Jack Walker Press

books for verdant, thoughtful, and joyful living

affiliate disclosure
by
elan on Friendship
elan on Friendship

Elan Barnehama and Amy Lou Jenkins in a Conversation about Long-Term Friendships

ALJ. When I read your wonderful essay “Showing Up,’ now published  in FRIENDS, I was struck by feelings of estrangement and, on the other hand, the comfort of friends. These two emotions seemed to be bantering throughout the essays. It felt familiar and true to me. Your friendships from high school seem to enrich your life, even decades later. Do you think there is something about the high-school years that provides an opportunity to build life-long friendships in a way that is more difficult at later stages of life?

Several stories based on sections of Escape Route have been published:

“Life Is Groovy,” Red Fez #136, June 2020

"Outlaws," Drunk Monkeys, Vol 5, No 4, April 2020 

 ”Raining In The Holy Land,” JewishFiction.net, September 2010

 “Just Be,” short story. Anthology of Stories, Volume 2, Running Wild Press, March 2018.

 

EB. Sure, high school certainly provides opportunities for shared experiences. It is a time when many of us have fewer demands, fewer responsibilities. But, I don’t think there is anything unique about the high school years in terms of creating meaningful bonds. It’s such a developmental period when we are trying to figure out who we are so I think it’s just as easy to spend those years with people you will quickly grow apart from as you find yourself.

Over the years, we have each widened the circle of chosen family. We’re not tribal. We each have other close friends. It does take effort and desire, and I have always sought community. I grew up in a home where my parents put a premium on their community, their friends, their neighbors. They hosted many gatherings and rarely missed ones they were invited to. As they were each without siblings, they modeled the idea of a chosen family.

Community has informed where I have chosen to live. And while it is clearly more difficult to find and make new friends as we get older and more settled, it is not impossible.

Still, I’m fascinated by the high school friendship theme, and it is a major idea in my second novel, Escape Route, which will be published at the end of 2021 by Running Wild Press. In Escape Route, which is set in the summer of 1969, the narrator is seeking a safe escape for a time when he believes the US will decide to round up its Jews. At the same time the narrator is obsessed with the anti-Vietnam War movement. In the end, it is the friendships he forms that saves him.

The challenge of making friends as one gets older is one of the main themes of my new novel-in-progress, AWOL. The novel’s newly divorced, 50 year old narrator finishes the 2013 Boston Marathon ahead the bombings and decides to leave his job and start over in Los Angeles. Several stories based on AWOL have been published:

“Listening In,” included Rough Cut Press, Issue 11

"Everyone to Dance," BostonAccentLIt.com Issue 14, October/November 2018

​“Snowflakes and Earthquakes,” DrunkMonkeys.us, July 2018

ALJ.    I'm stuck by your explanation of having parents who modeled having rich friendships.  That's an insight that has me reviewing the thread of  my friendships.  We often hear that our parents may model romantic relationships, and yet this idea of them modeling friendships seems new and intriguing.

Have any of your friends read your essay? How have they responded to it?

 EB.  They’ve all read the essay, and they love it. They read most of my writing and they are very supportive. They love when my writing is about them. After I published an essay describing the time we all went to Mets Fantasy Baseball Camp. Jimmy made clients read the piece when they came to his office. It’s called, “Surviving New York Mets Dream Week.” https://www.huffpost.com/entry/surviving-ny-mets-dream-w_b_3605594

ALJ. Your essay makes a case for showing up for others, and I think for not judging others. Our nation is so divided right now; some people are unable to maintain friendships with those who look at the world differently or are exposed to an alternate set of “facts? “ How have you and your friends navigated these divisive times?

E B. We have had regular Sunday afternoon zoom meetings during isolation. There are about five of us who show up regularly and another 2-3 who show up occasionally. We keep tabs on each other. We laugh. A lot.

We’ve always had a variety of political leanings. But that was all pre 2016. These divisions are different, and I feel lucky, we’re lucky, that we don’t have anyone who embraces the fog of alternative facts. That would be difficult to take. We do try to avoid, or limit talking politics. We are there to enjoy each other’s company, to laugh, to have fun. And we do. Some have a drink or three. Some of us no longer drink.

So far, we’ve had one case of COVID and fortunately he’s fully recovered.  Three of us have had parent only COVID weddings – and we recently welcomed a new grandbaby girl into our family.

 ALJ. Does your friendship with Henry or another friend seem to fit any of Aristotle’s framework of friendship?  Do the friendships fall into one category and/or have they evolved?

Excerpts from Elan's Barnahama's essay "Showing Up" which appears in Friends: Voices On The Gift Of Companionship.

 

"I’d gotten used to being an outsider, hanging out on the margins. But Jimmy and Henry and Sam and Ritchie and the others, they were not outsiders. They were amused by my eyes when it was funny—and did not hesitate to laugh—but mostly they didn’t give a shit. Jimmy maintained that our bond came from not having brothers. Jimmy and Henry didn’t have brothers, but some of us did. What none of us had, were brothers-in-arms, blood- brothers. Calling someone your brother was a thing back then, but for us, it was about family. All families begin with strangers and we had formed our own. Together, triumphs were made sweeter, and defeats were softened."  (Page 186 paperback)

"And showing up turns out to be almost everything. May not be the only thing, but it’s a big thing. I reconnected with Jeff and Larry and the group picked up some worthy stragglers like Steve, but the core remained, self-selected by showing up. There’s been some stints in rehab, some surgeries, some arrests for heroine, one death by overdose, another after a short and one-sided battle with pancreatic cancer, and one was banished for betraying the trust. But Henry’s limitless capacity for fun remains contagious, and Jimmy continues to mock time by playing on two different softball teams at the Great Meadows, in Central Park—hair, no longer being an issue. And when Arye, my younger son, decided to leave college to work on his first startup, Henry took him aside. He skipped the conventional business advice and focused on Arye finding people he trusted. Henry showed up for Arye, because that is what we do."( Page 187 paperback)

3 types of Friends

EB.  I’m not good trying to fit us into these frameworks. It seems to me that any worthwhile friendship has some of each of these. If there was a hierarchy, maybe “Friendships of the Good,” would top the list. I would add trust as well. And something else we have in common – and it was an immediate bond -- is that we all try to be decent people. This is not unique to the group, but it is a foundation of our friendship. It may be the one non-negotiable, line-in-the-sand, litmus-test-for-anyone I consider a friend. Doesn’t matter how many times you walk my dog or go running with me if your priority isn’t to be a decent person.  These guys have always been willing to help others – friends, family, strangers – with whatever they had, and ask nothing in return.

ALJ. Elan, you are the second author I've asked to consider how Aristotle's take on friendship fits into your life experience and the second author who didn't feel these categories exactly fit. Friendships seem as individual as people. Relationships take work and commitment and your essay provides an experience for the reader of the kind of companionship that can grow from years of showing up for each other.  We look forward to your upcoming books!  Thank you for contributing to FRIENDS.  Buy on Amazon or your favorite indiebound seller or where books are sold. 

 

about Elan Barnehama

Elan Barnehama's second novel, Escape Route (Running Wild 2021) is set in the summer of '69, a year littered with hope and upheaval around the globe. His first novel, Finding Bluefield (2012), chronicles the lives of Nicky and Barbara as they seek love and family during a time when relationships like theirs were mostly hidden and often dangerous.

Elan's words have appeared in Drunk Monkeys, Rough Cut Press, Boston Accent, Jewish Fiction, Running Wild Press Short Story Anthology, HuffPost, the New York Journal of Books, public radio, and elsewhere. At different times Elan has taught writing, was the fiction editor at Forth Magazine LA, worked with at-risk youth, was a ghostwriter for a university president, coached high school varsity baseball, had a gig as a radio news guy, and did a mediocre job as a short-order cook. He's a New Yorker by geography. A Mets fan by default.

Links to all his publications at elanbarnehama.com. Follow Elan @elanbarnehama.

Read Elan's discussion of writing craft at FirstPersonWriting.com

Leave a Comment